Showing posts with label widowhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label widowhood. Show all posts

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Thanksgiving 2017. What I'm thankful for.


It's been quite the year for me. While 2016 was marked by the deaths of 20 family members or friends, 2017 has been a respite from that kind of intense grief. For that, I'm thankful.

It's been a busy year. Nearly one year ago, I stepped outside my comfort zone and, at 59 years of age, stepped foot into a new office and a new career. I hadn't worked full-time outside of my home since 1982 -- yes, you read that correctly -- yet, here I was starting something new. From voice-over talent, writer, editor, blogger, and speaker to COO/manager of a non-medical in-home care agency in Pittsburgh, I accepted a challenge and lived up to it. For that, I'm thankful.

It's been a scary year, or at least a scary October. On October 3rd, my 70-year-old husband had a massive heart attack and almost died. I was leaving for work when he yelled down and asked me not to leave. Moments later, he told me to call 911. Within minutes, there were six emergency response personnel crowded into our bedroom. As they put him in the ambulance, I was struck with the realization that my husband was dying. My 5'10", 172-pound husband with a cholesterol reading of 121 and triglycerides at 125, was dying.

They didn't fool around once he arrived at the hospital. Rather, they rushed him into the cath lab where they discovered a 99% blockage in his main left anterior artery. Twice, while he was on the table, they had to shock his heart back into rhythm. Two stents later, he was out of the woods.

The thing is, he was this close to death. Had I left for work a few minutes earlier, this post would have a different message and I would bear the title widow once again. But I didn't leave earlier and, today, I'll enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with him by my side. For that, I'm thankful.

This year there have been many more causes for me to lift my heart heavenward and utter the words, "Thank You." But the above three rise above the rest. Every day, I'm met with reasons to sing praises. Sometimes, I have to dig a little deeper to find them, but they're always there.

Today, as you gather around the table to enjoy food, family, and friends, don't skip the most important part. Say thanks for the many blessings in your life. After all, gratitude costs us nothing, but the rewards are deep in riches.

Happy Thanksgiving! Tell me, what are you most grateful for?


Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Grief, Revisited. A poem



Photo by Maliz Ong


The dying was slow, easing
the family into grief. The contrast 
for me was real. Sudden, violent 
death, catapulting loved ones into 
that same grief, barring
the shock absorbers of
preparation. Bit by bit, months
then years, of grief bolts
slamming into us with no
notice, no warning. Electric
brutality. Their impact abating as
years passed, but never relinquishing
their power.

I watched the wave knock the teenager
down, rolling him across the
bottom of the ocean’s shallow – cutting,
bruising, broken seashells piercing flesh. Swallowed
sea water, swollen eyes burned by
salt, by helplessness, by
regret. If only he’d ridden the previous
wave. If only he’d stretched out on
the sandy towel under the sun’s
warmth before the sea slammed him with
surprise and sting no ointment would soothe.

Watching him, I began to understand this
grief and its power to take me under and
brush burn my heart. What choice did I have as
I moved forward? A steel armor or
an exposed and vulnerable heart? I chose 
the latter. And now I bleed.



~Hana Haatainen-Caye ©2015


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