Saturday, August 25, 2018

What happens when you lose sight of who you used to be?

Photo courtesy of Pixabay

Do you ever feel like you've lost your way... or more accurately, lost yourself? I suspect that a lot of moms with younger children feel that way. There are just so many demands on you that you barely remember what made you tick before... before middle-of-the-night feedings, trips to the grocery store with three little ones in tow, endless packing of lunches, reading blog posts about parenting and vaccinations and school choices and breastfeeding, and juggling everyone else's schedules, and... and... phew, it's exhausting just thinking about all the ways you're no longer who you used to be.

Don't fret, mama, there will eventually be a time when you feel like you again. Maybe not the same you as before, but a better you. After all, motherhood, while exhausting, fulfills you in a way nothing else does.

Right now, I'm sort of in the same boat. No, I don't have little ones pulling me in different directions, but I do have a new, and unexpected, career that has taken me away from the me I used to be. It was never my goal to run an in-home senior care company. Never even on the radar. After working from home for most of my adult life, heading into the office every day is new to me. But, after 21 months now, I've adjusted. And I actually enjoy the job. I love working with my daughter. I enjoy knowing that we make a difference. But lately, I've been antsy. No, more than antsy... I've been depressed. And this past week, I figured out why. 

It's because I lost sight of who I was. As I was adjusting to a managerial role, I had to let go of some of the things that made me me. And I missed me. You know what I mean? I missed the me I used to be. That's not to say I want to go back to being the me I was before I started this job. Not at all. Just like you don't want to go back to being the person you were before you had kids... not if it means giving up those kids, right? I don't want to walk away from anything. But I need to walk toward the things that used to infuse me with life, with joy, with energy. 

So I've made a plan and started enacting it. I'm reconnecting with my writing friends... my old tribe. And I'm writing again. I'm going to refocus on my novel and make writing a priority, like it once was. When people ask about what I do, I want to go back to saying, "I'm a writer." And then I can add, "And I run an in-home care company." I may put more hours into the company, but I want to put my heart back into what I believe God created me to do. Does that make sense? 

The me I was had to be dormant for awhile as I readjusted my priorities and refocused my attention on a new pursuit. But I woke from my hibernation with a feeling of discontent and now I understand. 

Hang in there, mama. You are still you under the surface. And parts of you still shine through, even when your clothing is stained with spit up and you haven't had a shower in days. You're still beautiful and radiant and worth your weight in precious gems. 

While you may think the older generation doesn't understand your struggles, take it from me, we do. We really do.

Sharing my heart,

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