Friday, July 20, 2012

Vinegar Friday and a good view of my back

My office (with my chair turned away from my desk)
Another blogger was complaining last night about fighting with her 3 kids to get to bed ... and stay there. I don't know what the situation was for her, but it made me think about my own child-rearing tendencies. I was a stay-at-home mom back in the 80s and 90s and, let me tell you, I am so grateful the Internet, Facebook, blogging and texting were not part of my life then. 

When I had my children, my husband and I decided I would put my career on hold and stay home with them. That was a decision I will never regret. We sacrificed. We scrimped. We managed. After I was widowed and the kids started school, I did pick up a part time job in a flower shop. I only worked when they were in school, so I had my summers off. The job provided a social outlet and allowed me to exercise my creativity.

It wasn't until my youngest was in high school that I really started pursuing my career as a writer. I launched my writing and voice over business two years after she graduated. However, in her final years at home, I fell into a habit that I will regret forever. Even as I sit here writing this, my eyes are filling with tears. The pain of regret is that real.

After Jess moved out, I found a notebook of hers. Inside was a rant she wrote one night. 

Mom says I can talk to her about anything, but I'm sick of talking to her back.

Ahh, the computer chair. You know the one. It can swivel. It can face away from the computer. It can face a child. Or a teenager. A young adult. A spouse. But I didn't take advantage of that vital feature. My daughter would come in at night and I would be busy in my office. She would behind me and talk to me while I continued to tap away on my keyboard or, at the very least, scroll through whatever it was that held my interest on the Internet at the time.
I'm sick of talking to her back.

The words are like a knife in my back... or more accurately, in my heart. 
I know she's forgiven me. It's me that can't forgive myself.

Moms -- pay attention. Nothing is as important, other than your marriage, than your children. Your blog can wait. Missing an update or two on Facebook won't matter. The television is not invested in you. Your kids are. A strong, healthy relationship with them will pay dividends unlike anything else. Invest in them. Make them your priority. Let them see your face... looking at them, not down at your iPhone as you're texting yet another message. 

Because, take it from me, the pain of knowing you let them down, does not go away. And no amount of vinegar can remedy that. Not even on a Vinegar Friday.


14 comments:

  1. I love this! Thank you so much for sharing. It is definitely a struggle to find the proper balance!

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    1. Finding proper balance is a lifelong struggle for all of us.

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  2. Yes yes and yes. We have too much technology and too many distractions. I regret playing on my phone during nursing sessions instead of being present in the beautiful fleeting moment. And, I am getting off of the computer to go play with my two boys now- My blog can wait. :)

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    1. Breastfeeding is one thing I was so sad to be done with. It is such a precious gift between mother and child. Don't waste the experience!

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  3. Thank you, thank you, thank you. The topic of blogging with small children in the home is heavy on my heart.

    I almost stopped blogging at the end of last year because it had taken over. A bit of my selfishness kept me going and now it's taken over again. I think far too many moms are neglecting (yes, I said it!) their young children and babies for their blogs. I would know, because I'm guilty of it too. I only have one son, no other job or major responsibilities and even I am not giving proper time and attention to my son in order to make my blog successful. But for what? Surely the money IS NOT worth it. A few hundred a month in cash and products for hours and hours each day? It's simply addicting and my way of connecting to other moms I think. I need to find a local moms group and find a way to connect with other moms in person and to include my son so he can actually play with other kids. I don't want the mommy guilt to eat me up any longer so I'm pretty sure my blog will not continue past what sponsors and events I've committed to past August. That's it.

    I'm writing this anonymously because I'm honestly embarrassed at what I've let myself come to through my blog. I have thousands of followers through every social network, but for what? I KNOW more moms have this guilt. I know we all want to feel successful and have that outlet, but our success should be measured through OUR CHILDREN. Don't let your blog take over.

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    1. Thank you for your heartfelt response to this post. I will pray for you to see a clear path and to be able to follow it. Careers can wait... children can't.

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  4. Thank you for sharing this story. It IS a great reminder for those who are parenting in the technology age that we need to focus more on our kids and less on our devices.

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    1. It's a challenge. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

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  5. Thank you for your honesty Hana! I have two young kids and I am learning to balance my time between everything! I will strive to place boundaries in my life that will allow me to enjoy moments with my kids and also do things that I enjoy. An informed person has no excuse in the end...thank you for sharing and informing your readers about what can happen when you "have your back" to your kids. Thank you!

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    1. You're welcome. My hope is that fewer moms and kids will have "back" moments.

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  6. Thank you so much for this important reminder Hana! The biggest challenge of being a work at home mom is finding balance. Some days I catch myself doing exactly what you're describing, and my kids are only 2 and 4. It's at those moments that I typically close my computer and play. Speaking of which, time to go read them some stories ;-)

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  7. Thank you for posting this! While I really try to separate my work time and my time with kids, I'm still guilty of being distracted. I'm glad I don't have a smartphone, that would be even worse. I have 2 kids, I'm approaching 30 years old, we've made a lot of sacrfices likewise for me to be home with them. But now that I've launched my own online business, I end up working when they are asleep and in turn I get very little sleep. But at least my time is mostly devoted to them during the day. I hope you share more articles like this, your little bits of wisdom as a mom whose kids are grown up and you already have grandchildren of your own!

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    1. I'm glad you saw some benefit in this, Anastasia. If I can help a mom or two not end up living with the kind of regrets I have, it's all worth it.

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