TBT -- Thicker than Blood, a true love story

Throwback Thursday from December 2013. Bill and my love story... appropriate reading for Valentine's Day. 

Bill and I started dating on December 20, 1989. Here is our story, as seen in CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: THE DATING GAME. I hope it inspires you during this season of love.

 

 

Thicker than Blood

“He’s ten years older than me!” I said to my friend, Kathy, as she tried talking me into meeting her husband’s best friend.

       “You don’t have to marry him; just go out with him. I hate seeing two of my closest friends hurting the way you are and thought you’d be good company for each other.”

Recently widowed at the age of thirty-two, I was anxious to be married again. Bill, on the other hand, was separated, with no plans to ever have another wife. Yet, once I agreed to meet him, we clicked and started spending all our available time together.

With four daughters between us, alone time was a precious commodity. We spent hours on the phone, talking late into the night. With each passing month, we grew closer and closer. Yet, we still had opposite marriage goals for our lives.

        It wasn’t long before I was, as they say, head over heels in love with Bill. He’d walk into a room and take my breath away. However, my feelings made him uncomfortable. After all, he was still in love with his wife, and wanted nothing more than to work things out with her. While I agreed that would be the best thing for him and for their two daughters, it was apparent the family was not going to reunite.

He admitted his struggle one night as we sat listening to The Moody Blues. “I don’t know what to do,” he said. “I have strong feelings for you and can’t imagine my life without you, but I still love her.”

“Of course, you do,” I empathized. “I’m not asking you to stop loving her. Loving me doesn’t preclude how you feel about her.”

“I don’t understand. How could I possibly love both of you? It just isn’t right.”

“Who says it isn’t? Don’t you think I still love Jim?”

“That’s different. Your husband is dead.”

I paused, trying to put my thoughts into words. “Do you remember how you felt about April when she was born?”

“I loved her with everything in me. What does that have to do with anything?”

      “Well, when you found out you were going to have another baby, didn’t you wonder how you could possibly love a second child the way you loved the first?”

Still confused, he answered me. “I guess so.”

“So, when Mindy was born, did you have to take some of your love away from April in order to love her?”

“Of course not. I just loved her... as much as I loved her sister.”

“Exactly,” I said, confident my point was made, “you didn’t have to split that love in two to share it. Your heart simply grew.”

“That’s a good way of putting it. But I still don’t understand what that has to do with us,” questioned Bill.

“Well, I’m not asking you to stop loving your first wife. She’s the mother of your children and you were with her for over twenty years. Love like that doesn’t go away. But that doesn’t mean you can’t love me, too. You just have to give your heart permission to grow.”

Over the next few days, he thought about what I said. And then, it happened. Not only did he allow his heart to grow, but he also gave himself permission to say the words I desperately wanted to hear.

“I love you, Hana,” he said gently, tears filling his eyes. “I really love you.”

A few months later, sitting across the table from me at the restaurant where we’d had our first date, he asked me to marry him. Naturally, I said yes.

We’ve been married for over twenty years now. My children, who were only nine and seven when we wed, were blessed with the best daddy they could have hoped for. Now, with children of their own, Grandpap is the heart of the family.

“You’ll never find anyone who will love Bethany and Jessica as much as Jim did,” a relative told me the week after my husband’s death.

She was wrong. Bill loves my girls, our girls, as much as he ever loved his own two daughters. Blood is thicker than water? Maybe. But love is much thicker than blood.

~Hana Haatainen-Caye

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: THE DATING GAME

©2013

TBT -- It's not always in the blood

It's Throwback Thursday. Today, we're going back to a post from December 2010. It's an important one I felt was worthy of sharing again.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. And most of them have a touch of dysfunction to them. I know ours does. After all, we are a blended family, and let me tell you … blending is never easy. But one thing I have learned is that it doesn’t take a blood connection to make a family. I am convinced that no one, and I mean no one, could love my girls the way my husband does. He only came into their lives when they were seven and five, yet you would almost swear he has memories of holding them the day they were born. You see that in his eyes.

And the grandbabies? Well, there is no way to describe his connection to them.

You see, it is not blood that makes a family. It is love.

Just look at the family Jesus started out with. I can say with certainty that Joseph looked upon Him the same way Bill looks at Bethany and Jessica. Blood doesn’t matter. Any of you who have adopted children know exactly what I am talking about.

Unfortunately, not everyone in a blended family sees it the same way. To them, blood matters most of all and loyalty issues are a constant challenge. Sometimes it is because they cannot let go of ‘what once was’ and embrace the ‘what is.’ And there is not a thing anyone can do to change their way of looking at it. 

The Christmas before we blended

You know what else makes a family besides love? Grace and forgiveness. Without them, there is little hope for peace in a home. Love, grace and forgiveness. The model Jesus Himself gave to us. All we have to do is follow it and every one of us can let go of the past with all its pain, broken dreams and promises, and grab on to the family we have right here, right now.

Did someone in your family die? Was there a divorce? Were you abandoned? Did you have to divide your loyalties between two families instead of one? These things happen … way too often, unfortunately. But there is absolutely no reason why you have to stay stuck in the ‘what once was.’ No reason at all. Except, of course, your own desire to stay there.

Why forgive when you can choose unforgiveness?

Why offer grace when you can opt for bitterness?

Why love when you can hate?

Wow, all I can think about is a baby in a manger who did no wrong, yet was crucified three decades later. Unjustly, I might add. Yet he chose forgiveness, opted for grace and embodied love.

And you know what? He calls us to do the same.

Sharing my heart, 

Thicker than Blood

Bill and me Dec. 2013

Bill and I started dating on December 20, 1989. Here is our story, as seen in the new edition of CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: THE DATING GAME. I hope it inspires you during this season of love.

Thicker than Blood

“He’s ten years older than me!” I said to my friend, Kathy, as she tried talking me into meeting her husband’s best friend.

       “You don’t have to marry him; just go out with him. I hate seeing two of my closest friends hurting the way you are and thought you’d be good company for each other.”

Recently widowed at the age of thirty-two, I was anxious to be married again. Bill, on the other hand, was separated, with no plans to ever have another wife. Yet, once I agreed to meet him, we clicked and started spending all our available time together.

With four daughters between us, alone time was a precious commodity. We spent hours on the phone, talking late into the night. With each passing month, we grew closer and closer. Yet, we still had opposite marriage goals for our lives.

        It wasn’t long before I was, as they say, head over heels in love with Bill. He’d walk into a room and take my breath away. However, my feelings made him uncomfortable. After all, he was still in love with his wife, and wanted nothing more than to work things out with her. While I agreed that would be the best thing for him and for their two daughters, it was apparent the family was not going to reunite.

He admitted his struggle one night as we sat listening to The Moody Blues. “I don’t know what to do,” he said. “I have strong feelings for you and can’t imagine my life without you, but I still love her.”

“Of course, you do,” I empathized. “I’m not asking you to stop loving her. Loving me doesn’t preclude how you feel about her.”

“I don’t understand. How could I possibly love both of you? It just isn’t right.”

“Who says it isn’t? Don’t you think I still love Jim?”

“That’s different. Your husband is dead.”

I paused, trying to put my thoughts into words. “Do you remember how you felt about April when she was born?”

“I loved her with everything in me. What does that have to do with anything?”

      “Well, when you found out you were going to have another baby, didn’t you wonder how you could possibly love a second child the way you loved the first?”

Still confused, he answered me. “I guess so.”

“So, when Mindy was born, did you have to take some of your love away from April in order to love her?”

“Of course not. I just loved her... as much as I loved her sister.”

“Exactly,” I said, confident my point was made, “you didn’t have to split that love in two to share it. Your heart simply grew.”

“That’s a good way of putting it. But I still don’t understand what that has to do with us,” questioned Bill.

“Well, I’m not asking you to stop loving your first wife. She’s the mother of your children and you were with her for over twenty years. Love like that doesn’t go away. But that doesn’t mean you can’t love me, too. You just have to give your heart permission to grow.”

Over the next few days, he thought about what I said. And then, it happened. Not only did he allow his heart to grow, but he also gave himself permission to say the words I desperately wanted to hear.

“I love you, Hana,” he said gently, tears filling his eyes. “I really love you.”

A few months later, sitting across the table from me at the restaurant where we’d had our first date, he asked me to marry him. Naturally, I said yes.

We’ve been married for over twenty years now. My children, who were only nine and seven when we wed, were blessed with the best daddy they could have hoped for. Now, with children of their own, Grandpap is the heart of the family.

“You’ll never find anyone who will love Bethany and Jessica as much as Jim did,” a relative told me the week after my husband’s death.

She was wrong. Bill loves my girls, our girls, as much as he ever loved his own two daughters. Blood is thicker than water? Maybe. But love is much thicker than blood.

~Hana Haatainen Caye

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: THE DATING GAME

©2013

In honor of our 20th anniversary

Today is my husband's and my 20th anniversary! So, to honor that, I have chosen to repost one of my posts from week 20 of The Sabbath Experiment, 02/21/2011.

Bill and Laura

Wow, twenty weeks into this. That's remarkable. Have any of you decided to give this a try? If so, are you reaping any benefits?

We started off the day at church, as usual. My husband taught the teens and I taught the adult Sunday School class where we finished up a very long series on I Peter. It was a good discussion.

Our church pew was glaringly empty as our daughters took the grandbabies to Manheim, PA to visit my mom for the weekend. We sure did miss them and our going-out-to-lunch-after-church-as-a-family tradition. We opted for lunch at home instead since my wonderful husband was treating me to dinner as a belated Valentine's Day present later that evening. I was so excited when I read his card last Monday with the promise of dinner at Cross Keys Inn in Fox Chapel, an old favorite restaurant of ours which we haven't been to in quite a few years (it's pricey and they no longer have the BOGO coupons).

So yesterday afternoon, Bill asked me to call and make a reservation. It's not something he likes to do. Since they only open at 5:30, I expected voicemail to pick up. What I didn't expect was this:

Our hours of operation are Tuesday through Sunday from 5:30 to 11:00 p.m. Except this Sunday, February 20th, when we will be closed.

Are you kidding me? I can't tell you how disappointed I was. Of course, my husband suggested going another night, but it was the Sabbath and I wanted to enjoy spending time with him at a nice restaurant. Every other night lately, I've been working.

So we ended up going to a nice restaurant closer to home, which was a good choice, as it turns out, because our little interlude into spring ended abruptly, tossing us back into icy roads.

We had a lovely dinner at Blue. The food was exceptional, but the company was even better. You see, I love my husband and I love spending time with him. Let me share a little bit about our rocky road.

We met in 1989, just a couple months after my husband died. I was immediately smitten, much to the dismay of my family. My daughters took an instant liking to him as well, and, quite honestly, I think he fell in love with them long before he fell in love with me.

We married a couple of years later and embarked on the blended family journey with our four daughters. Let me tell you something I learned about blending families. While I knew that everyone had to be tossed into the blender, what I failed to realize was that you had to put the lid on before hitting the blend button! We had some messy times back then, mostly due to just one of the children who wasn't happy about this new family of hers. It is amazing how much havoc one child can create in a blended family. And, unfortunately, there is usually at least one.

Compiling all the other issues we were facing, was the fact that I was walking around with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Can anyone say 'crazy lady'?! Once diagnosed, I had to wade through the waters of finding the right combination of meds to stabilize me. Lithium made me a non-person. Prozac, added to the lithium, provided a good balance. Years later, I was able to wean myself off both, as I hated the side effects, and regulate my mood swings with St. John's Wort. I know this does not work for everyone. But I also know it works for me. And I have daughters, friends and a husband who can vouch for that.

Bill and Laura

We will be celebrating our twentieth anniversary in August and, despite those rough times when either one of us could have been 'justified' in walking away, I am beyond ecstatic neither of us did. There is no one who is a better match for me than Bill. And I strongly believe there is no one who could have loved my children more thoroughly. Those who know us can see it in the tenderness of his eyes. To top all of that off, Bill is the best grandpap anywhere! The best.

I adore my husband, and that makes the Sabbath even more special. Why? Because I cannot look at him and not thank God daily for the gift of him. Do I always feel that way? Of course not! We're only human, after all, and we both equally get on each other's nerves from time to time. But beneath all the daily aggravations and annoyances, this is the deepest love I have ever known.

This week, I want to challenge those of you who are in a relationship. Cherish the one you love. Express your thankfulness to God for your partner. Stop looking back into the dark woods of past mistakes. It is undoubtedly scary back there. Step out into the open field of sunshine and possibilities. Forgive. Move on. Love.


Keeping it loving on the Sabbath,
Hana

An Adventure in Motherhood

My mother, Gene Vilma Strickler Haatainen Wagner

When it comes to motherhood, my experience runs the gamut. I gave my firstborn up for adoption in 1980. After I married my first husband (who died in 1989), I gave birth to two more girls. Following a couple of years of single parenting and widowhood, I remarried and became the stepmother to my second husband’s two daughters, one of which likes me and one who … well … doesn’t. Altogether, that totals five daughters. What I don’t know much about is mothering boys, which is perfectly alright with me. Quite honestly, I never wanted a boy. I simply did not think I would be a good mother to a boy, and apparently God agreed.


So with Mother’s Day upon us, I thought I would share my feelings about being a mom.

Motherhood is about so much more than giving birth. Any of you adoptive moms out there know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s funny how being a mother just naturally produces an exorbitant amount of love, whether you are raising the child you gave birth to or the child someone else graciously entrusted into your care. But it is not just the raising of a child that produces the love. The birthing does as well. As a birth mother who cared for her daughter for a few days after her birth and then handed her over to a nurse and walked out of the hospital with empty arms, I know the intense pain that accompanies a mother’s love when there is no recipient of it. Empty arms. Too many of us have known the pain of them, whether by choice or by death. Perhaps there is no pain greater than a mother’s love that must be kept inside.

Three of the five
Thanksgiving 2009

I didn’t want to be a single mom. Again, it was something I didn’t think I would be any good at. However, this time God apparently didn’t agree, and I was thrust into that role with two small children. And guess what? I did okay. Really.

And then came my next challenge – being a stepmom. Hmm. I thought I could master this one, but let me tell you, it’s a tough one. I understood that everyone would have to be tossed into the blender. What I failed to realize, however, was that you had to put the lid on before hitting the ‘blend’ button. Splat!! To say it didn’t go so well, would be, most definitely, an understatement. How my husband and I survived those early years is beyond me … no, actually, it’s not. It is only by the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit that we made it past our first five years or so. Now, I’m happy to say we will be celebrating our twentieth wedding anniversary in August. I adore him and I love the home we have made. We survived, and we’re both better people for it! He is, without a doubt, the best father my girls could possibly hope for, and he loves them with everything in him.

I’ve walked through the waters of marriage, single parenting, and blended families. They are all hard work! So, my advice to you, if you are married and considering looking for greener pastures – think long and hard about your choice before making it. Like I said, marriage is hard work. Single parenting is hard work. And blending families is the hardest work of all! There’s no way around the hard work aspect, so, if at all possible, why not exert the effort in your current marriage?

But back to motherhood. Nothing in my life has been more fulfilling than being a mother. My girls bless me on a daily basis. I sometimes miss the days of being a stay-at-home mom with little ones, but I love having adult children. And I love being a grandma.

Four of our five daughters at Bethany's wedding in 2006

So, as you prepare to spend Sunday with your own children or, if you’re blessed enough to still have her with you, with your mother, I wish you a very happy Mother’s Day. Luxuriate in the miracle of family, one of God’s greatest gifts to us.

Saluting all you moms out there and the incredible job you’re doing,

Hana

The Sabbath Experiment -- week 20 -- A personal glimpse into my life

Wow, twenty weeks into this. That's remarkable. Have any of you decided to give this a try? If so, are you reaping any benefits?

We started off the day at church, as usual. My husband taught the teens and I taught the adult Sunday School class where we finished up a very long series on I Peter. It was a good discussion.

Our church pew was glaringly empty as our daughters took the grandbabies to Manheim, PA to visit my mom for the weekend. We sure did miss them and our going-out-to-lunch-after-church-as-a-family tradition. We opted for lunch at home instead since my wonderful husband was treating me to dinner as a belated Valentine's Day present. I was so excited when I read his card last Monday with the promise of dinner at Cross Keys Inn in Fox Chapel, an old favorite restaurant of ours that we haven't been to in quite a few years (it's pricey and they no longer have the BOGO coupons).

So yesterday afternoon, Bill asked me to call and make a reservation. It's not something he likes to do. Since they only open at 5:30, I expected voicemail to pick up. What I didn't expect was this:

Our hours of operation are Tuesday through Sunday from 5:30 to 11:00 p.m. Except this Sunday, February 20th, when we will be closed.

Are you kidding me? I can't tell you how disappointed I was. Of course, my husband suggested going another night, but it was the Sabbath and I wanted to enjoy spending time with him at a nice restaurant. Every other night lately, I've been working.

So we ended up going to a nice restaurant closer to home, which worked out well, as it turns out, because our little interlude into spring ended abruptly, tossing us back into icy roads.

We had a lovely dinner at Blue. The food was exceptional, but the company was even better. You see, I love my husband and I love spending time with him. Let me share a little bit about our rocky road.

We met in 1989, just a couple short months after my husband died. I was immediately smitten, much to the dismay of my family. My daughters took an instant liking to him as well, and, quite honestly, I think he fell in love with them long before he fell in love with me.

We married a couple of years later and embarked on the blended family journey with our four daughters. Let me tell you something I learned about blending families. While I knew that everyone had to be tossed into the blender, what I failed to realize was that you had to put the lid on before hitting the button to blend! We had some messy times back then, mostly due to just one of the children who wasn't happy about this new family of hers. It is amazing how much havoc one child can create in a blended family. And, unfortunately, there is usually at least one.

Compiling all the other issues we were facing, was the fact that I was walking around with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Can anyone say 'crazy lady'?! Once diagnosed, I had to wade through the waters of finding the right combination of meds to stabilize me. Lithium made me a non-person. Prozac, added to the lithium, provided a good balance. Years later, I was able to wean myself off both, as I hated the side effects, and regulate my mood swings with St. John's Wort. I know this does not work for everyone. But I also know it works for me. And I have daughters, friends and a husband who can vouch for that.

We will be celebrating our twentieth anniversary in August and, despite those rough times when either one of us could have been 'justified' in walking away, I am beyond ecstatic that neither of us did. There is no one who is a better match for me than Bill. And I strongly believe that there is no one who could have loved my children more thoroughly. Those who know us can see it in the tenderness of his eyes. To top all of that off, Bill is the best grandpap anywhere! The best.

I adore my husband, and that makes the Sabbath even more special. Why? Because I cannot look at him and not thank God daily for the gift of him. Do I always feel that way? Of course not! We're only human, after all, and we both equally get on each other's nerves from time to time. But beneath all the daily aggravations and annoyances, is the deepest love I have ever known.

This week, I want to challenge those of you who are in a relationship. Cherish the one you love. Express your thankfulness to God for your partner. Stop looking back into the dark woods of past mistakes. It is undoubtedly scary back there. Step out into the open field of sunshine and possibilities. Forgive. Move on. Love.

Keeping it loving on the Sabbath,

Hana

It's not always in the blood

Families come in all shapes and sizes. And most of them have a touch of dysfunction to them. I know ours does. After all, we are a blended family, and let me tell you … blending is never easy. But one thing I have learned is that it doesn’t take a blood connection to make a family. I am convinced that no one, and I mean no one, could love my girls the way my husband does. He only came into their lives when they were seven and five, yet you would almost swear he has memories of holding them the day they were born. You see that in his eyes.

And the grandbabies? Well, there is no way to describe his connection to them.

You see, it is not blood that makes a family. It is love.

Just look at the family Jesus started out with. I can say with certainty that Joseph looked upon Him the same way Bill looks at Bethany and Jessica. Blood doesn’t matter. Any of you who have adopted children know exactly what I am talking about.

Unfortunately, not everyone in a blended family sees it the same way. To them, blood matters most of all and loyalty issues are a constant challenge. Sometimes it is because they cannot let go of ‘what once was’ and embrace the ‘what is.’ And there is not a thing anyone can do to change their way of looking at it.

You know what else makes a family besides love? Grace and forgiveness. Without them, there is little hope for peace in a home. Love, grace and forgiveness. The model Jesus Himself gave to us. All we have to do is follow it and every one of us can let go of the past with all its pain, broken dreams and promises, and grab on to the family we have right here, right now.

Did someone in your family die? Was there a divorce? Were you abandoned? Did you have to divide your loyalties between two families instead of one? These things happen … way too often, unfortunately. But there is absolutely no reason why you have to stay stuck in the ‘what once was.’ No reason at all. Except, of course, your own desire to stay there.

Why forgive when you can choose unforgiveness?

Why offer grace when you can opt for bitterness?

Why love when you can hate?

Wow, all I can think about is a baby in a manger who did no wrong, yet was crucified three decades later. Unjustly, I might add. Yet he chose forgiveness, opted for grace and embodied love.

And you know what? He calls us to do the same.

Sharing my heart,

Hana