|Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman |
Beauty and the Beast
Over the weekend, we sat and watched one of the shows called, Down to a Sunless Sea. The episode focuses on a former fiance of Catherine's and his dangerous obsession with her five years after their breakup. In a flashback scene, they are romping in a park and she says dreamily, "I'm so happy." The statement made me slightly uncomfortable and a bit sad. I looked at Bill and thought, "We've never said that to each other." Thinking back, I don't think I've ever said it to anyone.
You know how some people are uncomfortable with the words, "I love you?" Others can't say, "I'm sorry," or tell you when they're hurting. Well, the phrase that trips me up is "I'm so happy." It got me wondering why.
I thought about it for the rest of the night on Saturday, and again, on Sunday I found myself pondering this. Why can't I say I'm happy? I'm guessing there is something so deeply imbedded in me that has programmed me to not accept happiness at its worth. And I'm pretty sure my husband received the same programming somewhere along the way. We seem to have to add, "for the most part," when expressing our happiness. After all, there are problems in life. Always. It seems a bit trite to say, "I'm so happy," when we have a couple of daughters who rarely bother with us, when we have friends suffering loss and poor health, when we have bills piling up or too many commitments or too many things to fix in the house. Do you know what I'm saying?
What about you? Are there phrases you struggle to say out loud?
[Clarification ... based on a comment I just received (see below): It's not that I'm not happy ... it's just that I can't say the words. Just like someone who loves deeply, but can't manage to verbalize it. Does that make sense?]
Yesterday, while it was a perfectly lovely Sabbath all the way around, I found I was exhausted by the end of the day. While I've spent the past few weeks resting on the Sabbath, this week was spent doing. Not working, mind you, but certainly doing. We left the house at 9:45 and didn't get home until 7:30. It was a fun, but long day. After church, we did our usual out-to-lunch thing, then Jess, Laura, Bill and I went to a pretty awesome garage sale, as we had to kill time before going to a family party that didn't start 'til 3. Bethany was home with a sick kiddo, so she couldn't join us this week.
It was wonderful spending time with Bill's three brothers and their families and it was especially nice seeing our niece, Judy, and her daughter, Sara, who were in from Montana. Like I said, it was a perfectly lovely day. But I was beat by the time we got home ... and I was haunted by my dilemma. Why can't I say, "I'm so happy"??
So, as the new week is underway, and I focus on work, I'm also going to continue to explore this dilemma. And I'm going to commit to being able to say the words, confidently, to Bill by next Sunday. It may not seem like a lofty goal to some. But for me, it will be a real breakthrough. After all, Catherine could say it. Why can't I?
Sharing my Sabbath and miscellaneous thoughts with you,