Sharing a little bit more of my currently broken heart

From my Mary Engelbreit Page-a-Day Calendar

February's here and I'm not quite sure where January went. Being gone for a total of 15 days certainly accounts for some of my wondering. And wading through the murky waters of grief accounts for the rest.


Yesterday was a particularly bad day. I did okay at church and at lunch with the kids and grandkids. It was on the drive home with my husband that I started to grow distant. I headed out to do some shopping after dropping him off. I think I just wanted to be alone for a bit. The shopping didn't help. I wandered around the store, dropping an occasional item in my cart, and I felt loss. My mother died. I couldn't seem to get past that thought, although it had variations. My mom died. My mommy died. Mommy! Tears veiled my eyes, but did not spill out. It was that kind of surreal experience. This is not really happening. I almost resolved to take out my cell phone and call home. Not my current home, but the home I grew up in. The home I could return to anytime in the 38 years since I left. The home where my mother lives... lived. I wanted to dial that oh-so-familiar number and hear her say "Hello." I wanted to erase this past month. I wanted. I wanted. I wanted. 

Laying in bed last night, I started thinking about the last time I walked this path. The time when my 34-year-old husband died. How did I do it? How did I survive the pain? I must admit, I'm amazed that I did. 

And here we go again. The journey of grief. The pathway of longing. The gateway of regret.

And that was my Sunday. I trust yours was much cheerier. I would love to hear about it. So tell me, what made you smile yesterday?

Sharing my heart,

Hana